I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone. - Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright
A metaphor is like a simile. - Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote. - Steven Wright
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? - Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. - Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' - Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Steven Wright
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment? - Steven Wright
If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? - Steven Wright
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap? - Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it. - Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. - Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world. - Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious! - Steven Wright
Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. - Steven Wright
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? - Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. - Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. - Steven Wright
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? - Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. - Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect. - Steven Wright
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. - Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic? - Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. - Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f? - Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious! - Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright
My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed. - Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. - Steven Wright
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? - Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. - Steven Wright
What's another word for thesaurus? - Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. - Steven Wright
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. - Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. - Steven Wright
When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually. - Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people? - Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. - Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour. - Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. - Steven Wright
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. - Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add. - Steven Wright
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. - Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. - Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' - Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. - Steven Wright
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time. - Steven Wright
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. - Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. - Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Steven Wright
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date. - Steven Wright
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. - Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast. - Steven Wright
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. - Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. - Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. - Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. - Steven Wright
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. - Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. - Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here. - Steven Wright
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. - Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. - Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Steven Wright
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. - Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. - Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? - Steven Wright
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! - Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? - Steven Wright
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. - Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. - Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure. - Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. - Steven Wright
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. - Steven Wright
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. - Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. - Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. - Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. - Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman. - Steven Wright